Monday, September 11, 2017

#SonOfAPitch Query & 1st Page | Immunity Hunter


Hey, peeps! Below you'll find my query and the first page of IMMUNITY HUNTER. Thank you all for the helpful advice.

Title: Immunity Hunter
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 98,000

Query:

Two years after Sasame’s parents were devoured alive by undead mutants known as Konadai, she joined an agency that helped turn her grief into revenge. Now an Immunity Hunter, seventeen-year-old Sasame kidnaps those who are immune to the Konadai virus. Her victims are harvested for their blood and bones by the agency so they can create a stronger antidote.

Although the work tears at her conscience, Sasame trusts her boss, Omi, and his belief that this is the only way to save her island city.

Then she meets Konan, a persistent teen working with a group fighting to figure out why people are vanishing. His passion and dedication to the city reel her in, but she fights her attraction to him—connections lead to distractions and heartache. Eventually, Konan’s constant interference breaks down her guard and Sasame uses his attention to distract from the madness.

Her weakness angers Omi. His Immunity Hunters are well-oiled machines, and a petty romance is a distraction he won’t tolerate. After forcing her to watch the murder of another agent's girlfriend, Omi presents Sasame with a choice: kill Konan to prove her loyalty to the cause, or be killed herself.

Two years after Sasame’s parents were devoured alive by Konadai—undead mutants, she joined an agency that let her turn her grief into revenge. Now an Immunity Hunter, seventeen-year-old Sasame kidnaps those who are immune to the Konadai virus. Her victims are harvested for their blood and bones by the agency so they can create a stronger vaccine.

Although the work tears at her conscience, Sasame trusts her boss and his belief that this is the only way to save her island city.

Then she meets Konan, a persistent teen working with a group that’s desperately trying to figure out why people are vanishing. His passion and dedication to the city reel her in, but she fights her attraction to him. Eventually, Konan’s persistence works and Sasame uses his attention to distract from the madness.

Her weakness angers Omi. His Immunity Hunters are well-oiled machines, and a petty romance is a distraction he won’t tolerate. After forcing her to watch the murder of another agent's girlfriend, Omi presents Sasame with a choice: kill Konan to prove her loyalty to the cause, or be killed herself.

IMMUNITY HUNTER, a YA Fantasy novel of 98,000 words, follows six teens’ points of view as they fight to protect their city. With an ensemble cast like SIX OF CROWS and the action and teamwork of ATTACK ON TITAN created by Hajime Isayama, this anime-themed, character-driven novel is the first in a planned series. It will appeal to fans of THE ENEMY series.


First 250 Words:

Prey comes in different forms. Luckily for me, my target is an idiot.

With his face glued to that small, bright screen, this will be an easy hunt. Forget sneaking—short of yelling his name, he won’t notice me.

I follow him past decorated storefronts and dull office buildings. The faint scent of pastries and coffee still lingers in the midnight air. Sakura trees line the sidewalks a few feet apart. Pink and white petals give pleasant color to the concrete surroundings.

Downtown is deserted this late at night. Few people live close to the oversized buildings towering just high enough to see the top of the concrete wall surrounding our city. And around this time, most people are locked safely away in their cozy beds. They prefer living in the smaller homes in quiet neighborhoods and farmland.

Anything to avoid reminding themselves of the outside world.

Usually, my prey takes the time to enjoy the lasting smell of baked goods and the blossomed sakura, or at the very least, care. But this guy refuses to turn around or take his eyes off the screen. I could’ve taken him down at any point during this seemingly endless trek through the empty downtown streets, but his attentiveness to the phone intrigues me. How can someone get attached to something so trivial?


Irritation rushes over me—both from the fool I was sent to capture and the too-tight bra strap cutting into my shoulder. Then it hits me.

Prey comes in different forms. Luckily for me, my target is an idiot. 

With his face glued to that small, bright screen, this is an easy hunt. Forget sneaking—short of yelling his name, he won’t notice me. 

I follow him past decorated storefronts and dull office buildings. The faint scent of pastries and coffee still lingers in the midnight air. Sakura trees line the sidewalks a few feet apart. Pink and white petals give pleasant color to the concrete surroundings.

Downtown turns silent this late at night. Few people live close to the oversized buildings towering just high enough to see the top of the wall surrounding our city. And at this time of night, most people are locked safely away in their cozy beds. They prefer living in the smaller homes in quiet neighborhoods and farmland.

Anything to avoid reminding themselves of the outside world.

Usually, my prey takes the time to enjoy the lasting scent of baked goods and the blossomed sakura, or at the very least, care. But this guy refuses to turn around or take his eyes off the screen. I could’ve taken him down at any point during this seemingly endless trek through the empty downtown streets, but his attentiveness to the phone intrigues me. How can someone get attached to something so trivial?

I pull at my bra strap—this thing is digging a hole into my skin. Maybe he knows I’m here and is leading me into a trap?

13 comments:

  1. Hi Elisa,

    Great to have you in Son of a Pitch! Thanks for sharing your query and first 250 words. My feedback follows.

    Query:

    I like what we have going on here generally (it sounds like a cool story!), but I think it may be worthwhile to establish context a bit differently in a future draft.

    For example, the first sentence does a great job of introducing us to Sasame's motivations, but since we don't know her goal yet, there may not be enough connective tissue established at that point to really pull us in on motivation alone.

    A formula I like to use generally is "[Character] must [act] before [deadline] or [consequences]" when figuring out how to lay out the early part of a query (it doesn't work for all stories, but I think it could be effective here).

    If the first paragraph were to be rewritten as something like the following, it may more naturally lead a reader through layers of context in a way that builds on understanding over time (and still lets motivation be in the first sentence):

    "After her parents are devoured alive by undead mutants known as Konadai, immunity hunter Sasame must kidnap those who are immune to the Konadai virus in order to create a better vaccine... one made from their blood and bones."

    The above example, though a bit clunky (it's a first draft, after all), hits us with all of the same information more or less, and also does so in a sort of 1-2-3 way that may create better cohesion among the moving parts that form the story's premise. You'll be the best judge of this, of course, since you know your story better than anyone else!

    In the next paragraph, then, I think you do well to further establish the consequences (if she doesn't do this job and support the agency, more people could become afflicted) and demonstrate Sasame's inner-conflict regarding her work. Well played.

    In the following paragraph, I think using more precise word choice might help readers feel greater connectivity between it and the previously introduced context as well. For example, what if instead of "why people are vanishing," you went with "why people are being kidnapped?" This would make it abundantly clear that 1) we have a relationship between Konan's introduction and Sasame's occupation, and 2) there will be tension between these two characters, since Konan will basically be attempting to track down Sasame herself.

    The final sentence of that paragraph (Eventually, Konan's persistence works...) I believe may also benefit from a deepening of context and more specificity. Currently, I'm unsure how to interpret what it contributes to the plot as a whole (that is to say I *think* I know the angle that is being worked, but I would rather *know* I know the angle that's being worked, if that makes sense).

    When Omi is introduced, I find myself immediately wondering if perhaps I missed his establishment earlier on in the query. I think this is a place where we can actually do with *less* specificity, and instead go with something like:

    "When Sasame's boss discovers this blossoming romance may put all of the agency's work in jeopardy, he gives Sasame a choice: kill Konan in order to prove her loyalty to the agency, or be killed herself."

    The above compacts several sentences into a single high-and-tight exploration of the final, most personal consequences for our hero and this new relationship of hers, which is always a good thing! :) (And they're great stakes by the way. Good work there again).

    Since I've already written you a novel here, I'll put my feedback on the first 250 words in a separate post. Please let me know if you have any questions or if I've been unclear anywhere! I love helping with these sorts of things :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Continued from above.


    First 250 Words:

    What an awesome opening line. Way to bring us in directly into the scene and make sure your main character's voice hits the page right away.

    Good world-building in the third paragraph, but might I suggest varying the rhythm of the sentences a bit? The rhythm does match the tension on the page (kudos on that), but each of the four sentences is of similar length to the others, and follows a similar structure. I think it may be worthwhile to vary this a bit, while still keeping the same details.

    In the fourth paragraph, I get a little confused as I move from the second through the final sentences of the paragraph. I understand what's being said, but I think it takes us out of the scene a bit. The truly critical detail here is, in my opinion, the fact that the city is silent and empty at this time of night (critical for your MC's hunt). The rest I feel could be established a bit later, perhaps?

    I like the angle you're working in the sixth paragraph--that something about this prey is different, and it's messing with your MC's ability to execute. I'm wondering, though, if this couldn't be more clear if rewritten as:

    "Usually, my prey takes the time to enjoy the lasting scent of baked goods and the blossomed sakura, but this guy refuses to take his eyes off his screen. Is he really going to make it this easy? I could've taken him down..." [it finishes as already written from there]

    All in all, though, I think you're off to a great start with these first 250. Solid voice and clear tension on the page!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Elysa

    Query para 1 - will vaccinating stop victims from being devoured?

    Para 2 - Bring in Omi's name instead of just 'boss.'

    Para 3 & 4 - fine

    Remember - no comps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The vaccine or antidote will help keep the people that aren't infected healthy thus giving the military the upper hand when fighting the mutants

      I forgot I removed Omi's name from the 2nd paragraph...I'll add it back in.

      Thank you!

      Delete
  4. 250 - I like.

    A few things. you mention 'night' various times. IMO, make it clear in para 3 they're walking deserted streets at night. that brings to mind why the streets would be smelling of coffee and donuts long after breakfast time.

    Also why would the intended victims take time to smell the er, flowers? I'd be running for my life!

    if you so feel inclined: https://jayperin.wordpress.com/2017/09/11/first-blog-post/

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really like the premise of your story! Now for some tips:

    'she joined an agency that let her turn her grief into revenge.' - I would reword this to make it sound stronger. Suggestion: she joined an agency that turned her grief into revenge. A simple but effective change?

    'Her victims are harvested for their blood and bones by the agency so they can create a stronger vaccine.' - I just really like the sound of this, lol.

    'Although the work tears at her conscience, Sasame trusts her boss.' - I agree with the other people who commented that you should give the boss' name here. It makes the query more personal, so to speak :)


    His passion and dedication to the city reel her in, but she fights her attraction to him. Eventually, Konan’s persistence works and Sasame uses his attention to distract from the madness. - Is there any way you could tell us why she fights her attraction and how he draws her in?

    'Her weakness angers Omi.' I didn't know who he was until I reread the query. I'd make it clear in the beginning that Omi is her boss.

    'His Immunity Hunters are well-oiled machines, and a petty romance is a distraction he won’t tolerate. After forcing her to watch the murder of another agent's girlfriend, Omi presents Sasame with a choice: kill Konan to prove her loyalty to the cause, or be killed herself.' - I just really like this last paragraph :)

    IMMUNITY HUNTER, a YA Fantasy novel of 98,000 words, follows six teens’ (I think it's obvious that they're teens, but I wonder who the other teens are, besides Konan and Sasame?)

    I have nothing else to say about the query. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woops, hope it was obvious that the above was about the query. Here are my thoughts on the first 250 words:

      I like how you describe the setting and create tension by telling us about the 'prey'. Your humor and overal voice shines through nicely in these first words :)

      I'm a little confused about how the bra strap and the victim knowing he's being followed are connected, though. And maybe you should split this sentence: With his face glued to that small, bright screen, this is an easy hunt.
      It almost sounds to me as if the hunt is easy for the prey, not the main character.

      'Forget sneaking—short of yelling his name' - I had to read this twice to understand what you were trying to say, so maybe try to make this more clear.

      Hope this helps!

      Delete
    2. Great work on your query. Overall, it works really well. Here are some things that stood out to me as potential areas for improvement:

      1. Your em-dash after Konadai...it should be followed by another em-dash after mutants, not a comma.

      2.If you change "let her turn her grief into revenge" into "HELP her turn..." that sounds a little more active, less passive to me.

      3. You have a few opportunities to eliminate unessential words. For instance, "a group that's desperately trying" could be changed to "a group fighting."

      Additionally...Six points of view? Wow! And yet only three characters are mentioned by name in the pitch. I know the pitch has to be made in just a few paragraphs, but it looks like this is primarily Sasame's story, even though there are five other PoV's. That seems a little incongruous to me.

      Your second sentence was great. Really drew me in and made me want to keep reading.

      You mention the colors of the petals on the tree flowers, but you also say that it's nighttime. Are there lights? If it's dark, the colors would not be discernible. And if there are streetlights, wouldn't they disguise the colors?

      The opening is tense and makes you wonder exactly why she's hunting this person and what she intends to do with him once she's caught him.

      Good Luck!

      -Dick

      Delete
    3. Thank you!

      It's midnight, there are street lights, but my MC knows what color sakura petals are and even in the street lights and bright moon light, it still looks pink enough for her to mention them.

      Yes, I have six points of views in this MS. I was told by multiple agents and editors to pitch using the first MC's arc and mention that there are more POVs. As much as I would like to include all six, it just isn't possible for query-sake. They each have their own arcs, but the stories connect.

      Glad you enjoyed it so far :)

      Delete
  6. Hi, Elisa! :) I don't have much to add to the others.

    Query. The intro of "Omi" in the 3rd paragraph threw me, but naming him right away (or not at all) should clear that up.

    Sample. I love this (and your openings in general, tbh). My only comment is that the "Downtown turns silent...Anything to avoid..." part felt extra, especially since the MC's voice felt more distant there. I think it could be cut completely or deepened--but you'd already set the mood well already. :)

    I hope this helps! Best of luck with your story!

    ReplyDelete